Less than a week to go until Christmas! How are you feeling? As Christmas is approaching, it is important now more than ever to set healthy boundaries. It involves setting boundaries with yourself, and also using the language that helps you be more assertive with others.
Being assertive and setting boundaries is something that I have always struggled with. I was (and sometimes still am) a people pleaser. I find it extremely uncomfortable to go against others’ wishes. It is much easier for me to say “yes”, than to say “no”. I’ve learned to ignore the signs my body gives me (e.g., heaviness in my chest; heart palpitations) when I let others cross my boundaries. Part of it stems from my upbringing, but it is also due to my personality and conflict avoidance tendencies. However, as I work through my personal issues, my own needs become increasingly important. I begin to understand that taking care of myself is different from being selfish. I slowly push myself to set boundaries, and be verbal about my needs without feeling guilty. It is a work in progress, but like any other habits, practice makes perfect.
This holiday season is a great opportunity for you to learn and practice the art of setting boundaries.
Setting boundaries with yourself:
Setting boundaries with ourselves could be difficult. We tend to overestimate our ability to complete tasks, and therefore sacrificing other important areas of our lives. For me, I frequently underestimate the time it takes to complete tasks: “An extra shopping trip wouldn’t take that long. I can definitely squeeze it in this weekend”. However, I always end up spending more time on gift shopping than I expected, thereby sacrificing other things that I had planned to do. So, if you planned to only spend 2 hours at the mall, give yourself 2 hours, not more. Make a purchase list beforehand, so you know exactly what you need prior to entering the mall. Be firm with yourself, say “no” to other distractions. Be realistic about your time and energy when planning the holiday season, and be willing to let go of tasks that bring you little joy.
The holiday season could be particularly difficult when you have lost loved ones, and it is perfectly okay if you are not ready to celebrate because of the absence of important people in your life. Sometimes, being alone is required for healing and grieving, and if space is what you need this holiday season, allow yourself to have it. Grieving is not something that you do on the side while other things are going on. Grieving might require all of your focus and energy, in order for you to process and heal. If this is the time for you to grieve, give yourself the permission to do so.
Essentially, setting boundaries with yourself means being aware of your needs and making sure that you don’t compromise your needs for others.
Setting boundaries with others:
Setting boundaries with friends and family is challenging because it requires you to be assertive and communicate to others why you are saying “no” to certain things this year. You might see others’ disappointing faces as you assert yourself, but remember, this holiday season is all about you. Also, your friends and family will get over it. Humans are adaptive, and therefore, have faith that they are flexible enough to adjust to the new you. You don't have to keep doing certain things during this time of year just because you’ve been doing them in the past 5 years. This includes:
Pressure to give gifts: It’s okay to be selective with who you give presents to. It’s okay to not exchange presents at all. Have you ever been sucked into the loop of gift giving, where you feel pressured to give presents because the other person did the same, for so many years? It’s totally okay to put the brakes on the cycle. You might actually be doing the other person a favour. One thing you could do is to announce your intention early on. You don’t have to come up with a reason or justification. Be direct, and announce your intention with confidence.
Accepting invitations (especially those that require long-distance travelling): Can you imagine driving long distances in the snow, followed by being stuck at a party that you don’t really care about? Not the best way to spend your time. When you attend Christmas gatherings at someone’s home, it is also a courtesy to bring food/drinks and/or presents, which adds another layer of stress. Imagine how much time you’d save if you just said “no”. Sometimes, saying “no” leads to a huge relief, like a weight has been lifted off. This is how your body tells you that you have done the right thing by setting boundaries.
Conversation topics: The time spent with family isn’t always filled with moments of love and tenderness. Sometimes, touchy subjects come up. If you have a feeling that certain conversation topics could occur that would ruin your time together, it is perfectly fine to raise your concern beforehand:
“Can we come to an agreement that we won’t be talking about ____ tonight, and just focus on enjoying each other’s company?”
“I’d prefer that we don’t talk about ____ tonight”.
If they show resistance, at least you would still be able to make the decision as to whether to attend the gathering or not. If you find that people are not respecting your boundaries, it is okay to take a break from them or leave the situation.
The Language:
When you set boundaries with others, the language you use is extremely important. Be stern, and leave no room for negotiation. When you appear to be apologetic or uncertain when setting boundaries, it is tempting for others to push your boundaries.
Be stern and direct, but polite.
Be comfortable with saying “no”. Make sure that your “no” is not followed by “because”. You don’t have to justify why you don't want to do certain things.
Don’t apologize for saying “no”. However, if apologizing makes it more likely for you to be assertive (because you feel less bad), then by all means, apologize.
Be brief, but clear about what you want and don't want to do.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean that you are cold or heartless. You can still demonstrate empathy while doing so. Show them you understand that they might be disappointed. It might help manage their reactions, especially if you are dealing with someone who could easily be upset.
I understand that you really want us to have a party at my place, but I’ve decided to take a break from hosting parties this year.
I understand that it means a lot to you that I ___, but I won’t be doing that this year.
Depending on who you are setting boundaries with, you might get different reactions. Sometimes people are more understanding than we expected. Other times, people might resist, or they might guilt trip you. These are reactions that you should be mentally prepared for. Their reaction, however, is something that you have no control over. What is your plan B if they resist? Be genuine about how you feel, and (gently) let them know the consequences of crossing your boundaries. Will you take a break in another room? Will you leave the situation? Will you not show up? These are your choices. Engage in a grounding exercise if you find yourself physically reacting to their lack of understanding. Always check in with yourself (e.g., your heart rate, your breathing, temperature in your body), and ask how you can take care of yourself in this situation.
Setting boundaries could sometimes strain relationships. But at the end of the day, caring for yourself is more important than maintaining a harmful relationship.
Remember, this holiday season is all about you.
As always, contact me if you have questions or if you would like to book a free consultation with me. I would love to hear more about your experience with boundary setting.
Happy holidays!