Managing Expectations from Our Parents

The pressure of being a good child

When we were young, we were often taught to listen to our parents (this might be more true in certain cultures). “Being a good child” at one point meant doing whatever our parents thought was best for us.

“It’s for your own good”. That was their justification.

It was clear what our parents wanted from us, and there were consequences if we didn’t listen to them. We were punished when we didn’t do our homework, or watched too much TV.

Some children try their best to do what their parents expect them to do. Compliments mean so much to them that they constantly seek their approval. The fear of disappointment often times is what drives their good behaviours.

As a child, I remember feeling extreme guilt whenever I did not do well on a test. My anxiety was so strong that I’d lose my appetite, until I finally faced my fear and mustered the courage to tell my parents the bad news. If I sensed disappointment in their tone of voice, I’d beat myself up for the rest of the day. However, if they said, “That’s okay, try harder next time”, I would feel an instant relief. It felt like the heavy rock that had been pressing on my chest was suddenly gone. That was one of my first experiences with anxiety as a child. My parents’ forgiveness was so powerful that I’d swear to do “perfect” on the next test.

The pressure and expectations persist well into adulthood

We are familiar with our parents’ expectations. We understand their values, what makes them happy, and what they expect from us. Our parents’ values get passed down to us, and some of those values become our own. As we mature and develop our own value system, our values change and evolve. The authority that our parents had over us diminish as well. We start to have our own opinions and sometimes we might disagree with what our parents preach. When that happens, we might feel some sort of internal conflict, where we feel strongly about our opinions, but do not wish to negate our parents’. We might doubt ourselves, or feel that it is wrong to have our own opinions. To avoid conflicts, we bite our tongue when sensitive topics come up.

As adults, technically we have the autonomy to make our own decisions. There are no rules that we have to abide by. You want to have dessert for breakfast, and watch television until 3 AM? Do as you please. There will be no negative consequences.

Unfortunately, some of us still feel the pressure from our parents to behave in a certain way. We might not be aware of our parents’ influence, but we internalize their expectations, and the guilt and shame of not meeting their expectations persist into adulthood. Our inner critic plays a significant role in our lives, and that inner critic often gets traced back to the voice of an authority figure (frequently a parent’s). It is interesting how much power our parents continue to have over us years later. The pressure to “please them” might still be there.

What happens when these expectations are unrealistic, or when they do not align with our values? How can we maintain a good relationship with our parents while being our authentic self?

Our parents are human

First of all, it is important to recognize that our parents are human, and they are not always right. Their beliefs and values developed based on their personal experiences. They grew up in an environment that is substantially different from ours. Therefore values and beliefs that applied to them might no longer be valid. Parents are not always right! We have to understand that in order to free ourselves from their expectations.

Why can’t we go against our parents?

Some of us feel uncomfortable going against our parents, and there are several reasons to this. Understanding why it bothers you is important because it helps you decide what to do next. Imagine what would happen if you start being assertive, and notice the kind of emotions and thoughts it triggers. Is it the nagging that annoys you? It is the disappointment on their face? Their anger or their stubbornness? Do your parents like to guilt-trip you? It could be extremely unpleasant to have to deal with the consequences of contradicting them or not meeting their expectations. On the other hand, could it be possible that your guilt is what’s stopping you from asserting yourself? As mentioned, we internalized our parents’ opinions and when we go against them we feel like we did something wrong.

Next steps and questions to ask yourself

Once you have figured out why you are hesitant about being assertive, or that you are fearful of disappointing your parents, it’s time to think about what your next step is. It really depends on the issue that is causing the disagreement. If it is something that comes up once in a while that otherwise wouldn’t affect you, not standing up for yourself would be fine. If, however, their expectations have to do with something that is more action-based, such as your career, or your choice of a romantic partner, it has a greater impact on your life.

It might be helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

• How important is it for you to assert yourself? How much impact does this issue have on your life?

• Is it something that you can compromise on? Is there a middle ground that you can both reach?

• Do your parents have a point? What is their justification?

If it is mostly your own emotions that are getting in your way of asserting yourself, could you acknowledge those feelings and remind yourself that you are reacting to your own biases and presumptions? What are the thoughts that lead to these feelings? 

• “They would be disappointed”

• “I’m not a good son/daughter”

• “I’m being disrespectful”

Ask yourself if these thoughts are true.

Communication is key

Would communicating to your parents help you understand exactly how they feel about the matter? Our parents are changing constantly as well and therefore their reactions might surprise us sometimes.

If it is clear what their expectations are, can you assert yourself? Can you respectfully tell them your honest thoughts, while being mentally prepared that they could react poorly? Be prepared for criticism and disappointment (even hostility in some cases), but remind yourself that you will survive it.

Communication is always key to any kinds of relationship, as long as you do so respectfully and genuinely. Try not to be defensive. Try your best to convey to your parents why you feel strongly about this matter. Announce your intention clearly. Let them know that you have made your decision to take a certain course of action. If there is room for compromise and negotiation, it is helpful to know where your bottom line is beforehand. If you aren’t able to reach a middle ground, then maybe that’s just how it has to be. Maybe you would have to disagree with each other. Sometimes, disagreements make parent-child relationships go sour. But at the end of the day, you need to ask yourself what is more important.

Whatever conclusion you reach at the end is going to be fine – as long as you are making those decisions for yourself, not someone else.

If you have tips on how to break free from the guilt of not meeting your parents’ expectations, please share with us down below in the comments section.

As always, if this is something you are struggling with and would like to book a free consultation with me, leave me a message here.