How to Forgive Yourself for Past Mistakes

We’ve all experienced this in the past: perhaps we said something insensitive, or we did something that was hurtful to others. The moment you said those words, or took that action, you knew it was wrong but it was too late. Maybe you were called out, maybe you weren’t, but you knew that what you said/ did was not okay.

For the next few days, weeks, or even months, you experience an immense amount of guilt. The same scenario seems to keep replaying. It is unpredictable. Just when you think you have moved on, the tape replays. Again, you see yourself saying those words, taking those actions. You vividly recall the look on people’s faces, and the words they said when they called you out. Their tone of voice indicated disapproval, reproach, and disappointment. Every time you replay the scenario, you immediately get the same physical discomfort – your stomach feels sick; your chest feels heavy; maybe you feel nauseated. It usually accompanies the intense desire to run away and hide. You desperately want to shake off the persistent feeling of embarrassment and guilt, but somehow you can’t. This discomfort, coupled with your negative internal dialogue, further increases the feeling of alienation:

• I’m a horrible person

• I’m a hypocrite

• I’m so dumb – why did I say that?

• People must hate me

• This is why i have no friends

For some reason, it’s much easier to forgive others, to come up with excuses or justification for their behaviours. But when it comes to forgiving ourselves, it just seems so impossible.

“How can I live with myself from now on?”

Maybe it’s because we have to deal with ourselves and our mistakes 24/7. Maybe we want to maintain a certain image. Or maybe our mistake negates our sense of self, and it takes a lot of processing to make sense of it. 

Who am I? I thought I was a good person, but what does that little statement or action say about me? Am I still who I think I was after this?

It is definitely challenging to integrate the not-so-perfect parts into our general sense of self. But we need to acknowledge this: we are bound to make mistakes as we go through life. We must accept every part of ourselves (including the negative ones), past and present, in order to be whole as a person. 

Here are 7 tips on how to forgive yourself for past mistakes, learn from these experiences and move on.

1) Understand that you are human, and that humans make mistakes.

It is crucial to remind yourself that you are human, and that you are imperfect. It is only natural to make mistakes. Everyone does at some point in their lives.

Having that reminder helps you zoom out so you can have a broader scope, so that you can look at the big picture rather than fixate on that one mistake. It also helps you feel more connected with humanity, which a lot of the times helps us feel less alienated (feelings of alienation is a byproduct of guilt/ shame).

Now that we’ve established that all humans make mistakes, and that it is unrealistic to expect yourself to be perfect, are you able to accept the part of you that messed up?

I find that this affirmation helps me accept that part of myself that I’m not proud of:

2) Process the shame and guilt, sit with them without pushing them away.

Part of why it’s so difficult to move on from mistakes is the involuntary “replaying” of the scenario. One moment you are eating dinner, and suddenly the image of you making that mistake floods your mind. Immediately you are overwhelmed with the physical sensation of embarrassment and guilt. It is tempting to want to push that image or feeling away.

Unfortunately, we can’t push away feelings, because it is through emotions that our mind communicates with us. The more we try to bury negative feelings like shame and guilt, the stronger they get, and they will somehow find a way to resurface.

But, if we sit with the discomfort by acknowledging and recognizing it, it will subside eventually. Generate kindness to that part of you that is feeling the discomfort. If you struggle with this, ask yourself how you would tell a child who did something wrong that you forgive them.

Instead of trying to focus on something else, can you place a comforting hand on the part that is suffering? Can you offer it compassion? Check out this post on self-compassion for additional tips.

Sometimes, putting the hurt and suffering into sentences serves as validation:

“I regret what I did, and now I’m feeling a lot of guilt and shame. I hate how this feels, but I also understand that I am wired to feel these emotions. It’s okay that I’m feeling shitty. This is temporary” 

Shame is a feeling that’s been passed down to us from our ancestors. It facilitates our bond with people around us and increases our chance of survival millions of years ago. Remind yourself that this replaying and constant discomfort is your brain’s way to ensure that you have great social bonds with your tribe. 

The feeling will fade as time goes on, as long as you don’t shut it out.

3) It doesn’t mean that you are a bad person, despite what your inner critic tells you

It is easy to fall into the trap of “all or none thinking” when processing our past mistakes.

I did x. Bad people do x.

Therefore, I am a bad person because I did x. 

This black and white thinking doesn’t allow anything in between. The reality is that we are not all good or all bad. Good people make mistakes, and therefore just because you did or said something bad does not mean that you are a bad person.

Your inner critic might constantly remind you that you’re evil or selfish because of what you did. Try to communicate with it and figure out what purpose it’s trying to serve. Remember how our inner critic is always trying to protect us? When it keeps telling us these horrible things about ourselves, what is its intention? Chances are, it wants to ensure that you will never do the same thing again. It refuses to let you forget how horrible you are feeling right now, so that you are less likely to repeat the same mistake. How can you let your inner critic know to stop screaming at you because you’ve already learned your lesson?

When your inner critic quiets down, you’ll find that it is easier to forgive yourself.

4) Accept that the past belongs to the past

We all know that we can’t change our past, and ruminating over our past mistakes does not make them go away. We can’t rewrite history.

Statements you could use to help you move forward include:

• “I can’t change the past, but I can change how I view my past”

• “I can’t change the past, but I can change the present and the future”

• “What can I learn from this mistake?”

Acceptance might be difficult because what you did does not align with your values, and you might struggle to make sense of that. But again, acting opposite from what we believe does happen sometimes.

Whenever you find yourself resisting your past, acknowledge that it is hard to carry that scar with you. Allow your emotions to surface. Return to step 2 and treat yourself with kindness.

5) How can you atone for the mistake?

If your actions resulted in hurting others, how can you make amends?

Did you apologize and own up to it? Can you do something for that person to help them feel better? Can you communicate with the person to acknowledge your poor choices and validate their feelings?

This step could be extremely challenging. It is so tempting to start defending your actions. But, that’s not what the other person needs right now. Sometimes, a sincere apology alone is sufficient.

You might need to give yourself the time and space to process your guilty feelings before you are ready to take this step. If you aren’t ready, it’s easy to fall into the trap of becoming defensive and making matters worse.

6) What can you learn from this experience? Can you better yourself because of this?

We are constantly learning and growing, and we can’t really grow without allowing room for mistakes. If you forbid yourself to make mistakes, chances are you will never step out of your comfort zone and you will never grow.

The important question to ask yourself is: how can the mistake help you be a better person? Commit to changing, and give yourself clear guidelines on how to make such a change. Revisit your values (principles that are important to your life and guide your actions). How should you act from this point onward in ways that align with your moral compass?

7) Seek support

We don’t have to go through guilty feelings and shame on our own. Going back to step one, understanding that all humans make mistakes fosters a sense of belonging and connectedness to others.

You might not want to share with others the mistakes you made, but talking it out with someone else could be beneficial. Getting a fresh perspective from someone else might help you be more reasonable and understanding towards yourself. We tend to exaggerate our faults. Having an unbiased view might help you be more fair, thereby making it easier for you to forgive yourself.

Imagine this: if a good friend of yours made the same mistake and is feeling the same embarrassment, what would you tell them? Try telling yourself the same thing.

Chances are, you are able to be less harsh and more objective when it comes to others’ faults. When you reach out to someone else, they might help you interpret your mistake in a more reasonable way. Talking it out with someone might help you understand why you deserve forgiveness. Working with a therapist is beneficial as well. Your therapist would ask you questions to help you gain insight as to why it is so difficult for you to let go. Did this mistake remind you of your past? Did it remind you of significant relationships that somehow have a profound impact on you?

Forgiveness is crucial in order for you to break free from your past. You won’t be able to move on if you are constantly held back by guilt, shame and anger.

The best thing to do to repent for your mistakes is to learn from it and be better. Punishing yourself does not help you move on – it just makes you more stuck. Treat your faulty parts with kindness. Remember that all of us make mistakes, and that mistakes help us be a better version of ourselves.