What is an Inner Critic?
Take a moment to think about things that you tell yourself on a daily basis.
Do you have a running commentary in the back of your mind, of who you are and what you should/should not be doing?
Do you find this commentary to be positive and encouraging?
Or, do you find yourself constantly criticizing yourself, telling yourself mean and harsh things that you would never imagine telling your friends?
Our inner critic is like a mean coach. Or a monster who takes joy in making us feel horrible about ourselves. Sometimes, it relentlessly goes after us until we break down. Other times, it stays in the background, watching our every move, until it’s time to strike again.
Everyone has an inner critic, but we relate to it in different ways, thereby altering the amount of control it has over us.
Where did our inner critic come from?
Our inner critic likely began to develop in our childhood.
As a young child, we are sensitive to our environment. We constantly observe our environment and people around us. Through observing how adult figures treat us, and themselves, we begin to develop a sense of self, and to learn rules that would help guide our behaviours. Our superego begins to develop, which plays a moralizing role in our development. Sometimes, we take on our parents’ self attack as our own. When we are criticized by our parents, our inner critic also takes on some of those criticisms, and internalizes them as our own.
Influential adult figures include our parents, grandparents, caretakers, teachers, siblings, peers etc. Societal norms and expectations also contribute to the voice of our inner critic, defining artificial rules as to how we should and shouldn’t behave. We learn who we are and how we should be treated, as modelled by adult figures. A parent who tends to be self-critical, likely teach their children to be self-critical as well.
Slowly, our inner critic evolves and develops. It begins to tell us that we aren’t good enough, or that we aren’t lovable until we are smart enough, good looking enough, or what have you. We are monitored and evaluated by our inner critic, to ensure that we are following the “rules” and moral guidelines in order to fit into our society.
Getting to know your inner critic
Before you do anything about your inner critic, you need to first be aware of its presence. Start being curious about it: Why is it here? What does it want?
When is your inner critic the strongest and most obnoxious? Is it when you’re interacting with people? Or when you’re at work?
Give it a name. What does it look like if you were to give it a form and shape? Does it look like the mean neighbour you had when you were young? Or the bully at school?
Identify the voice of your inner critic. Who does it sound like?
What we often forget is that our inner critic exists to protect us. It wants to ensure that we fit into our society, and be liked by others, because we are vulnerable on our own.
Therefore working with our inner critic involves bringing in your curiosity to get to know it better. What is it that your inner critic is trying to protect you from? What function does it serve?
Have a conversation with your inner critic. What’s under the harsh critical voice? Is it fear, or shame, or lack of confidence?
Sometimes, our inner critic is fearful of rejection. It wants to ensure that we say and do the right thing during social interactions. It thinks that tough love (by calling us idiots or fools) would motivate us to “do the right thing”. It thinks it’s protecting us from embarrassing ourselves, but it does the opposite.
Your inner critic is the part of you that’s concerned about you messing up. It wants to exert full control over us to prevent us from making mistakes.
To get to know our inner critic is to understand its needs. How can we address those needs without it constantly screaming at us?
Working with your inner critic
Hold compassion and empathy for that part of you, the part of you that is so fearful of letting go of control, because it thinks that once left unmonitored, you’d act recklessly or impulsively. Listen to it and see what it is trying to say.
In therapy, your therapist would ask you questions to help you unpack and communicate with your inner critic.
Your inner critic must have served you at one point in your life. When was that? Was it when you had to study for a test? You studied well in advance, maybe because your inner critic kept calling you lazy. Perhaps you studied hard to shut your inner critic up.
How is your inner critic impeding your life right now? Does it make you freeze? Does it make you feel horrible about yourself, yet somehow you can’t bring yourself to take action.
Remember, your goal is not to eliminate your inner critic. Your goal is to take away some of its control. By that I mean limiting its control over you, and to prevent it from hijacking you with negative thoughts. Think of your inner critic as a volume control knob, so that you can shut it off when it’s telling you nasty things that are not helping. You want to be able to distinguish between helpful feedback and noise. View your inner critic as a barking dog that’s tied to a tree - you can either freeze because of the barking dog (who won’t actually harm you), or keep walking without paying it much attention.
Once we understand the needs of our inner critic, we can figure how we can fulfill those needs.
Negotiate with your inner critic. Your therapist might have you switch between playing the role of your inner critic and yourself, to negotiate a way for you to fulfill the needs of your inner critic. If we can heal what your inner critic is trying to protect, would it be willing to go easy on you? Chances are, your inner critic does not want to push you so hard.
For instance, if your inner critic is concerned about your ability to connect with people, it most likely would constantly point out the awkwardness in your mannerism during social interactions. Are there other ways for you to feel connected to people? How can you show your inner critic that you can still develop meaningful relationships despite the initial awkwardness. Is there anyone in your life who you feel a strong bond with? Can you focus on the positive experiences you’ve had in the past to overwrite negative ones.
Keep in mind that your inner critic is a part of you that is scared of losing control. It wants to protect you. It’s not your enemy - but you do want to take away some of its control by communicating with it.
I specialize in helping clients with their inner critic. If you would like to learn to better communicate with your inner critic, contact me here. I offer a free telephone consultation prior to our first session and you’ll be able to ask me any questions you might have.
In my next post, I will be discussing some of the specific strategies that you can use in order to manage and stand up to your inner critic.
Thanks for reading, and take care!