Over the years, I have noticed that the issues that my clients present frequently stem from low self-esteem. I became intrigued by the development of self-esteem, as well as different ways that counselling could help us be more confident. But before we tap into how we can improve our self-esteem, let’s take a look at what it is and how it impacts us.
Here are a few questions for you: Do you constantly struggle with the thought that you are not good enough? Do you find yourself criticizing how you act and what you say, blaming yourself for every setback? Do you have the tendency to discount past achievements and dismiss compliments from others, attributing your success to luck and other external factors? Despite your achievements, are you constantly haunted by the fear that you would be exposed as a fraud? Are you excessively anxious about others’ criticism and disapproval? Are you a “people-pleaser”? If you answered yes to the above questions, it is likely that you are struggling with self-esteem issues.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is our evaluation and judgment of our worth and value, based on aspects such as our appearance, intelligence, and accomplishments. It is associated with our beliefs about ourselves (e.g., “I am smart”), and how we feel about ourselves (e.g., the feeling of shame when we notice our faults). Our perception of how worthy and lovable we are is predicated on these factors. Self-esteem is subjective. A trait that you value could be of less importance to another person. For instance, while being charismatic is crucial to my sense of self, it might bear no significance to you. Our self-esteem could fluctuate. External factors (e.g., others’ compliments) could lead to a more positive perception of ourselves, but we could also dismiss these factors because of our critical inner voice and negative beliefs about ourselves (e.g., “They are just being nice”).
What affects our self-esteem?
Numerous factors play a role in the development of our self-esteem, including:
Upbringing (e.g., parental expectations and relationships)
Body image
Academic achievements
Perceived social relationships
Personality
Mood (e.g., on a good day, we feel better about ourselves)
Life experiences (e.g., trauma/ social status)
Personal values
How is self-esteem manifested and how does it affect our daily lives?
Individuals with low confidence tend to exhibit the following behaviours:
Approval seeking (e.g., fishing for compliments)
Becoming defensive when confronted with criticism
Eagerness to please others
Inability to feel content with who they are/ what they achieved
Social comparison (constantly comparing themselves to others)
Narcissism
Perfectionism
Bullying others
Self-esteem has a profound impact on our lives. For instance, our interpersonal interactions and relationships are likely to be negatively affected if we constantly seek approval, or become defensive when we are criticized. Self-esteem also impacts our performance in school or at work. When we are fearful of failure and criticism, we are less likely to take risks (e.g., running for student council or applying for a promotion). As mentioned, our self-esteem consists of an emotional component, and our beliefs about ourselves often trigger emotions. In the long run, the constant struggle with low self-esteem could lead to psychological issues (e.g., depression and anxiety). Sometimes, we use maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with these emotions, such as impulsive shopping, excessive use of alcohol and emotional eating, which in turn could lead to other problems in our lives.
In my next post, we will explore different strategies and tools that would increase you confidence. We will also take a look at how psychotherapy/counselling could help you with self-empowerment.