In the previous post, we discussed how self-esteem fluctuates on a daily basis, because our experience with the external world impacts how we feel about ourselves. Fortunately, we can also exert control over these thoughts and feelings towards ourselves by doing things differently. Here are a few strategies that you can start implementing in your daily lives.
Discover your strengths:
It is so easy for us to forget our strengths, especially when we are struggling with depression or anxiety. Our strengths are the building blocks of our self-esteem. Therefore, spend some time with yourself to figure out what your strengths are. It might require self-reflection (e.g., journaling). Sometimes it might involve talking to a trusted friend or family member. If you find yourself struggling with this exercise, be patient with yourself. Think of specific examples that reflect your strengths. For instance, if others have told you that you are generous, think of a time that you remember doing something kind. Pay attention to compliments that people have given you. Do you have specific talents or skill sets? If so, brainstorm how you could further develop them.
Positive affirmation:
There is a strong body of research that shows that positive affirmation (if done right) works, and that it increases one’s overall wellbeing. Positive affirmation is the creation of positive statements to negate self-defeating thoughts. You are what you think! Our thoughts have a powerful impact on our emotions and behaviours. Imagine this: While you are giving a speech, you notice that one of the audience members looks bored, which makes you think, “They are not interested in what I have to say”. How does that make you feel? How many times have you noticed that the simple thought of “I can’t do it” could lead to loss of confidence? Be mindful of what you tell yourself, however, because positive affirmation could have no impact on you if not done correctly. Here are some guidelines for self-affirmation:
o Do not make up lies – You have to genuinely believe in the statements that you create. If you constantly tell yourself “I am beautiful” when you are insecure about your appearance, all you are doing is lying to yourself. The same applies to statements such as: “I can do it”; “I am strong”; or “I am successful” – these are meaningless if they are contradictory to your beliefs. In some cases, they could make you feel worse.
o Choose statements that reflect your values and personal strengths – One way to go is to remind yourself of your strengths that match the context. While walking into an interview, reminding yourself that you are kind is most likely not going to help. On the contrary, pick positive traits such as, “I am good at communication” or “I am passionate about this job”. Similarly, focus on values that are important to you when creating these statements.
o Choose statements that bear significance to you. For example, if you value career success, positive affirmation that is associated with your knack for sports probably will have a minimal impact on your self-esteem.
o Don’t use absolute words or general statements – Avoid using words such as “always” or “never” in your positive statements, because they are most likely untrue (e.g., no one is always kind). In addition, be specific. Going back to the example of a job interview: a general statement like “I can do it”, might not work as well as “I will demonstrate to them that I am a good fit”.
Be compassionate towards yourself
Personally, this is one of the most challenging things to do, as we tend to be the harshest when it comes to our relationship with ourselves. One suggestion that I always give my counselling clients is: If this exact same situation is happening to my close friend, what would I say to them? What would I do for them? Can I say and do the same things to myself?
Celebrate past achievements and give yourself credit for them
This again calls for self-reflection. For instance, if you graduated from high school; if you pushed yourself to complete the work day despite feeling unwell; if you got out of bed when you didn’t feel like it - these are all significant achievements that you have to celebrate and give yourself credit for.
Seek support from those that you trust
Communication is a two-way street. The next time you hesitate about disclosing your problems, or troubling someone else with your issues, press on and reach out to a trusted friend/family member. Sometimes, talking to someone is sufficient to help us feel better about ourselves. You might also discover strengths that you were not aware of before.
Setting boundaries
It might be difficult to think about your needs when you struggle with low self-esteem. It is going to be challenging initially, but practice makes perfect. Put yourself as a priority for once, and it will become easier over time. It is just like learning a new skill. The next time someone crosses your boundaries, speak up. You can assert yourself without sounding rude. Being assertive does not mean that you are selfish. Through effective communication, you can clarify your stance and your needs without criticizing/blaming the other person. For example: You are running late for a business meeting. As you hurry down the hall, you see a chatty neighbour walking towards you. Based on your experience, you know that once you get sucked into a conversation, it would be at least five minutes before you can be on your way. What can you say that would be polite yet assertive at the same time? What about “Sorry, I would love to chat, but I’m late for a meeting”?
Of course, these strategies do not replace psychotherapy or counselling, where you will have one-on-one interaction with a licensed therapist. In the next post, we will be exploring how psychotherapy and counselling could help you with self-empowerment.