What is your initial reaction to people who tell you to be kind to yourself?
Are you already treating yourself with kindness?
Do you think that it is unnecessary?
Alternatively, maybe it is a privilege that you feel that you can’t afford: “I don’t have the time to spend with my kids, let alone taking care of myself”
Sometimes guilt arises because you feel that you don’t deserve that kindness: “I’m not working hard enough. What I need is discipline, not kindness”.
In my work with clients, this conversation often comes up, no matter what the presenting issue is.
Self-compassion is a practice that I try to help my clients cultivate, because our mind would be clouded with self-judgment, criticism, shame, guilt and frustration without the capacity of self-compassion. It is an additional layer of suffering on top of everything else that we are already dealing with. Without self-compassion, it is difficult to identify the core issue and to make room for change.
Self-compassion involves a sense of understanding, acceptance and kindness towards ourselves. It is independent of our surroundings, positive traits and achievements. Self-compassion reduces our suffering because it stops us from basing our worth on external conditions that tend to fluctuate. As Dr. Kristin Neff (pioneering self-compassion researcher) says, “We can’t always get what we want. We can’t always be who we want to be. When this reality is denied or resisted, suffering arises in the form of stress, frustration, and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with benevolence, however, we generate positive emotions of kindness and care that help us cope.” She found in her research that self-compassion is associated with “greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behaviour, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.” She also found that people who feel compassion for themselves are less likely to experience depressive and anxious symptoms (Neff, Rude & Kirkpatrick, 2007).
What I find in my work is that self-compassion is a great challenge to many. It makes sense, given that it is not something that we (at least for me) were often taught growing up.
“Be nice to your sister. Help your friends. Respect your parents. Don’t be selfish”. The list goes on.
Being kind to others is often emphasized in our upbringing. Very rarely are we told to be kind to ourselves.
Self-compassion is a foreign concept, and it’s definitely more difficult to practice than it is to be kind to someone else.
The Pandemic and Self-Compassion
The inability to be kind to ourselves, coupled with harsh self-talks (any “I should” statements), make it much more challenging to feel positive and at peace with ourselves, particularly now when we’re in the middle of a global pandemic.
So much has been taken away from us, yet we are sometimes unable to recognize these losses.
At least I have a job.
At least I can stay home.
At least my family is healthy.
At least I have a backyard.
We tend to compare ourselves to others, and what we learn on the news is that there are always others who have it worse than we do. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that we are all experiencing some sort of losses. And if you don’t acknowledge those losses, if you don’t understand that we are all going through an adjustment process, you are suppressing and ignoring the stress and grief that you are experiencing as a result of these losses.
What does that do? The stress and negativity that are left unprocessed would spill over and impact other aspects of our lives. We might start feeling down, we might get frustrated, we might lash out at others. We might start having difficulty with sleep and concentration.
We have to acknowledge and process these losses and associated feelings, and be gentle with ourselves during the process.
Instead of judging yourself and calling yourself “weak” for struggling, acknowledge that this is a difficult time.
Have some self-compassion.
But, you might ask, how do I be kind to myself when there are so many things that I don’t like about myself?
Feelings of inadequacy and incompetence often get in the way of self-compassion. As mentioned above, we have the tendency to base our worth on traits (e.g., status, looks, wealth). We evaluate ourselves, and if we are “good enough”, then we are able to feel good about ourselves.
“I’m only likeable if I fulfill criteria A, B, and C”.
Self-compassion comes easier when we like ourselves.
It’s so easy to forget that we all deserve compassion and understanding.
How To Be Self-Compassionate?
If you are confused about the concept of self-compassion, first ask yourself what it means to be compassionate towards others.
How do you be kind and supportive of others?
You listen, you try to understand, and you try to help them feel better, regardless of their strengths and weaknesses. Now, do the same for yourself.
1) Listen and understand
Ask yourself how you are feeling and allow those emotions to surface.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable, to feel the discomfort brought up by negative feelings.
Identify and name the emotions.
Notice how they make your body feel. Is it the heaviness in your head? Or heart palpitations in your chest?
Give yourself space to acknowledge these emotions and process them, even if they are uncomfortable. Why do you think you’re feeling this way?
I find that journalling provides that perfect space for feelings and thoughts to surface.
2) Validate your feelings
Validation means acknowledging that these are the feelings you are experiencing, and that these feelings are valid.
You’re not overreacting. You’re not being dramatic.
Remember that your emotions are there for a reason, and you need to listen to them and understand what they are telling you.
Usually when we feel any negative emotions, it is because of something we’ve lost, or we feel that we’re at risk of losing something important to us. Sometimes, negative emotions are triggered because you are reminded of previous negative experiences.
Regardless of what you are reacting to, it is true that you’re going through something difficult, and it is crucial to acknowledge that.
Things that you can say to yourself include:
“It is so difficult right now”
“This is so tough”
“It sucks that I’m going through this right now”
3) Show kindness and support
It might sound weird at first, but we are able to support and care for ourselves in the same way that we support and care for our loved ones. If you struggle with being kind to yourself, ask yourself how you would support a loved one if they were going through the same challenges. Would you give them a hug, make them tea, or wrap them in warm blankets? Would you tell them you’re there for them, that you are sorry that they are going through this? What could you do to make them feel better?
Now, do exactly the same thing to help YOU feel better.
Phrases that you can say to yourself:
“It really sucks that this happened to me”
“What do I need right now?”
“How can I make myself feel better?”
Strike a Balance
Instead of pushing aside our emotions because of losses and changes during this pandemic outbreak, listen and acknowledge what those emotions are in order to understand what you need at this moment. At the same time, allow yourself the space to process all of this. Don’t force yourself to live life like before, because things are different now. If you find yourself feeling defeated because you are not achieving as much as before, allow yourself to let go of those expectations.
We are all coping with this in our own way. Listen to your needs and try to fulfill those needs.
There is no right or wrong way to do this.
Some might suggest that you push yourself to maintain your regular routine, or push yourself to continue to socialize with friends. It is true that a gentle push might make us feel better at times. Sometimes, our brain does make us think that nothing we do would make us feel better, and it is important to filter those comments out. Push yourself if you are up for it. But most importantly, strike a balance between pushing yourself and giving yourself space (by taking it easy).
Don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t able to motivate yourself or to find the same level of enjoyment and pleasure as before when you engage in activities. Because that would only lead to more frustration and self-criticism.
If you are interested in learning more about motivation, check out the following posts where I talked about motivation and goal setting: