We’ve been battling this pandemic for months now. Things seem to be going in the right direction, but at a gradual speed. Social distancing measures continue to be enforced. Life is not back to “normal”, and it could sometimes feel like the rut we’re in right now is never ending.
Yet when you look around, others seem to have a handle on things. They seem to be adjusting well, and making progress in their lives. It’s so easy to feel that you aren’t doing enough.
This “I’m not __________ enough” statement could be coming from our inner critic. In my previous post, I talked about the role that our inner critic plays, and why it exists. I also discussed the goal of working with our inner critic, which is not to eliminate it completely, but to understand what its needs are and attempt to address those needs.
In this post, I will provide you with more concrete strategies that you could use to communicate with and break free from the control of your inner critic.
1) Being mindful of your inner critic
To make any kind of changes, self-awareness is often the first step. You can’t change what you aren’t aware of. Start by noticing your internal dialogue. What do you normally tell yourself?
In addition, pay attention to your emotions. Whenever you feel down or frustrated, look closely at what went through your mind moments before you started feeling that way. What are you thinking about as the emotions arise? I’m a proponent of journal writing, because it helps us make sense of our internal world. It allows us to use words or images to describe our feelings and thoughts.
Practice identifying and labeling the voice of your inner critic, which includes any “should/shouldn’t” statements, or demeaning/harsh comments. Realizing when your inner critic is speaking helps you disengage from these negative thoughts, and therefore diminishing their power over you.
2) Distancing yourself from your inner critic by giving it a name, shape and form
Learn to recognize the voice of your inner critic. Once you become familiar with what it usually tells you, it is time to bring its presence into existence. Give it a name and an identity, which makes it less abstract and easier to work with. It becomes easier to conceptualize it and to see it in your mind. The goal is to help you understand that you are not the problem - your inner critic is just so convincing that you believe everything it tells you. Does the voice remind you of an angry teacher, or a frustrated parent? Who comes to mind when you hear those demeaning statements?
This next strategy requires some imagination. After you become quick at identifying the voice of your inner critic, whenever you hear its nonsense, imagine that it’s coming from one of these silly monsters, or anything else that looks funny/ ridiculous that makes you laugh. Do you sense the shift in power? All of a sudden, that critical voice doesn’t sound so demeaning anymore. It no longer feels like it’s coming from you. Instead, it’s from this creature that somehow lives within you.
3) Use analogies to help you further distance yourself from your inner critic
I love analogies, especially when we are working with abstract concepts like an inner critic.
Barking dog: Our inner critic could be seen as a barking dog behind the fence - unpleasant, but if you keep walking without engaging with it, its bark is eventually going to fade.
Instagram/ YouTube/ Facebook Ads: Ads are annoying, especially when you are in the middle of a YouTube video, or scrolling through Instagram. When you see these ads, you can either engage with them (e.g., by reading the caption, swiping up, or even clicking on the link), or you could acknowledge them (“Ads!”) but let them pass without dwelling on them. It’s the same with your inner critic. We can’t control when it speaks up and what it says, but we can definitely refrain from engaging with it or letting it ruin our mood.
4) Communicating with your inner critic
Communicating with your inner critic can help you better understand what it’s fearful of and what it wants. Most of the time, our inner critic is trying to protect us from something (e.g., rejections/ making a fool of ourselves). It becomes easier to work with when you are able to see its function. It might sound weird, but try writing a letter to your inner critic. Tell it how it makes you feel, what has worked and what hasn’t. How did your inner critic serve you in the past? What is it getting in the way of right now? Perhaps offer a solution to address its needs. Can both of your work out a compromise?
Be open and curious about its needs. It might be helpful to work with a therapist in order to communicate with your inner critic. Your therapist would provide guidance, and pinpoint the right questions to ask.
Communicating with your inner critic helps you to view it from a different perspective. Your inner critic stops being this part of you that is self-destructive. Instead of dreading its arrival, or feeling frustrated with its desire to bring you down, you can start to empathize with it and understand why it’s doing what it’s doing. Propose solutions so that its needs are addressed. Work with it so that it is willing to ease its control over you.
5) Practice compassion on your inner critic and yourself
Once you are able to see the insecurities of your inner critic, practice holding compassion for that part of you. Your inner critic is just trying to do what it thinks is best for you. It’s trying to protect you. It’s not this scary monster that intends to do harm.
Whenever your inner critic triggers the thought of “I’m unlovable” (because I’m “stupid”, or “useless”), what does it physically feel like in your body? Can you generate some caring and kindness towards parts of you that are hurting? Counter the negative feeling with more care and compassion.
6) Standing up to your inner critic
Things that our inner critic tells us could be extremely demeaning and hurtful. Sometimes, we do need to put it in its place and stand up for ourselves.
Repetition: To rob these derogatory terms of their meaning, say them out loud again and again, until the words lose their meaning, and their power. It could take up to a minute or two for this to happen. Do this exercise several times per day for several weeks. You might start to be less reactive to your inner critic the next time it calls you names.
Keep a core belief log: Keep a log of your daily core beliefs (common themes in your thoughts). Evaluate and see whether these core beliefs are helpful, or not. Do they make you feel better or worse about yourself? Keep the ones that make you feel better, and edit/adjust those negative ones.
Positive affirmation: Now, positive affirmation might not be effective immediately, but overtime, it does change our internal narrative. It’s helpful to be specific in your positive affirmations.
Look for evidence that shows that you have worth: Everyday, before you go to bed, look for something you did during the day that shows that you have worth. It could be something as small as checking in with a friend, or making dinner for your family. Incorporate this into your journaling routine if this is what you regularly do. Remember, worth is independent of external circumstances (e.g., appearance, status, wealth) and everyone is born with the same worth. Therefore, having difficulty with finding evidence for your worth does not mean that you aren’t worthy as a human being. It’s just that something is in your way and is preventing you from seeing your worth.
If there are other strategies that you’d like to share with me, comment below or send me a message. I specialize in helping clients with their inner critic. If you would like to learn to work with your inner critic, contact me here. I offer a free telephone consultation prior to our first session and you’ll be able to ask me any questions you might have.