Yesterday, while reviewing a psychological report that I had submitted to my supervisor weeks ago, I noticed a horrendous typing error (I swapped “then” with “than”). Instantly, my body reacted to this realization – I felt my heart racing, my palms started to sweat and my face felt hot. “How did I miss this?” I asked myself. “What else have I missed in the hundreds of reports that I wrote in the past?” I started questioning my ability to write, and it escalated into doubts about my competence as a therapist. These all happened in less than a minute.
It is interesting how quickly our body and emotions react to external triggers. I felt fully confident in my ability to practice and excel as a psychotherapist just a minute ago, and that feeling of competence vanished because of a mistake.
One of the perks of being a counsellor is that I am trained to be fully aware of my thoughts, emotions and feelings in my body. I notice when there are changes in my emotions, and I use self-compassion to help me cope with the discomfort brought on by anxiety. Self-compassion is a way to manage negative emotions. It involves loving kindness (towards yourself). When you practice self-compassion, there is no avoidance of negative emotions or judgment on how you feel (e.g., I shouldn’t be feeling angry). You simply become aware of your emotions, allow these emotions to be experienced and you validate how you are feeling. It is something that I value and push myself to practice. I also incorporate self-compassion in my work with clients, and they reported benefits when they switched their mindset.
Now, let’s return to that moment – the moment when I was having difficulty breathing and feeing discomfort in my chest. I was tempted to minimize the problem in order to reduce my anxiety. “Many people make mistakes. Maybe no one noticed?” Of course, my inner critic immediately rebutted with a “but” statement: “But I’m not supposed to make mistakes, especially a dumb one like this.” That obviously didn’t work, so I asked myself what my therapist would tell me. Well, noticing and sitting with these feelings without judging myself would be a good start. “Escape is not an option. What is done is done”, I told myself. This is a time when self-compassion would come in handy.
How can I be compassionate towards myself when I made a mistake?
First, I was mindful of what I was feeling. I checked in with myself, and noticed the sensations I was feeling in different parts of my body. I was aware of my thoughts, and how they reflected how I felt about myself at that moment. I did not try to push these thoughts away, but simply noticed them.
Second, I described what I felt without trying to resist it. For example:
My heart is racing
I feel out of breath
My hands are shaking a little
My face feels hot
My throat feels dry
I feel anxious
My chest feels light and heavy at the same time (if that’s possible)
I feel incompetent
I also paid attention to my thoughts: “I’m bad at what I do”; “I’ve failed”. At the same time, I remind myself that these are just thoughts, and they do not reflect the reality.
Third, I tried to validate what I was feeling. Sometimes, it requires having a conversation with myself. “You made a mistake, of course it feels horrible, especially when you believe that this mistake could have been avoided”. It makes sense why I was feeling this way. Validation is indicating understanding of your emotions. It is the complete opposite of criticism and judgment.
Fourth, I practiced the Self-Compassion Break (created by Dr. Kristin Neff).
These were the statements I used: This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life and I’m not alone. I’m going to be kind to myself and forgive myself for making the mistake. What do I need right now to extend kindness to myself?
I can’t say that I was no longer bothered by the mistake, but I stopped having those self-defeating thoughts that escalated my negative feelings. The physiological symptoms I was feeling that were caused by the anxiety slowly subsided as well.
At the end of the day, I know I’ve made a mistake, but I also reminded myself that I am not perfect, that I deserve kindness and compassion regardless.
Self-compassion and mindfulness are powerful tools to help us cope with feelings of failure and anxious thoughts, of external circumstances that are out of our control. It doesn't change our reality, but it allows us to experience loving kindness and accept our reality.
A brief guide to self-compassion:
Think back to a time when you felt anxious (or angry/ depressed):
What did your head feel like?
You chest?
You throat?
You breathing?
Your shoulders?
Your stomach?
You back?
How would you describe your emotions?
Instead of resisting the discomfort, acknowledge that it is what it is, that this a moment of suffering.
Remind yourself that you are not alone, since suffering is part of life. Treat yourself with compassion.
Place your hand on your chest - the gentle touch and warmth will put a stop to your fight or flight response. Talk to yourself with loving kindness. “I understand that this is a tough moment, and I’m sorry that you have to go through this”. You don’t have to say it out loud or say it in public. Do it in a private space, or say these words in your mind. Ask yourself what you need to do to help you feel cared for. Mindful breathing, warm baths, hot tea, warm hugs (you can give yourself a hug; or hug your furry friend) etc – these are things that will help your body slow down.
As discussed in my previous post, it is difficult to live in a world of uncertainty. At the same time, it is a reality that we cannot change. So instead of trying to exert power over external events that are beyond our control, can we do our best to manage things that are within our control? Like practicing self-compassion? We all know that worrying is futile, and it does not change our future. But worrying is definitely taking away the here and now – moments when things are going well, but we are too busy worrying that we let them pass by without fully appreciating them. The answer to stopping these worries and anxious thoughts is not avoidance. Let them come and go, while treating yourself with compassion and kindness.
Part of my job as your therapist is to help you cultivate self-compassion. Whether you are dealing with self-esteem issues, depressive symptoms or anxiety, the first step of your healing journey is to practice self-compassion. If you think this is something that you wish to pursue, leave me a message here.